What He Really Means!

For years women have struggled with their men because of what they term a lack of communication  in their relationships.The problem isn’t with the men but the women who simply  lack the ability to  understand what her man is saying. Fear not ladies for I, a super awesome dude, am going to let you in on what he really means when he says certain things.

• I’m not feeling well today–What he really means is he would like to have sex before and after you make him a get well meal.
• You look really good in that dress–What he means is he was looking at your boobs  or butt(depending on your position relative to him) and would like to cop a feel of either.
• I’m working late tonight (babe)–Without the babe it means he’s really out with the boys taking a break from you and your “girliness”.If he uses babe then he plans on getting f**ked up and would like you to have a nice meal ready when he gets home drunk .
• I am studying for a C.A.T–This is the equivalent of I’m working late but for the uni/.college guy.
• I didn’t forget your Birthday I was just planning something very special–This means he did infact forget and would like you to give him some time to bribe your friends so they can let him take some credit for their party that they were already planning for you.
• My phone was off–He really just didn’t want to talk to you about Jane(or whichever of your pals your mad at) and how she’s such a slut ,and if you really want to talk about Jane then also give him her number.
• I’m a hustler–This means he still leaves at his mothers house  and has little to no future prospects of getting paid and thus you should probably carry some money for dinner and a movie.
• I’ve planned something romantic for our anniversary–He actually forgot about the anniversary and so he’s going to buy you some cheap vodka like blue moon so you can get drunk and forget how shitty he is.Also he would like sex at the end

Mentioned above are just but a few phrases, in case he uses one not covered just have sex then make him a sandwhich.

The boys explained!

So there I was sitting quietly as my friend got torn down by his woman_ I refer to her as woman because i highly doubt a girl would make a grown ass male cower in fear like she did him. The awkwardness of the situation growing so thick you could almost fondle it…almost.Despite the fact that i realized this woman had no right belittling this ferocious rugby player I made no effort to come to his aid.No am not a bad guy, if you had been there am sure you would have found my acting oblivious during the tear down as the smartest move ever. Now that you have acknowledged my intelligence back to the issue at hand, the woman and her total lack of understanding of the BRO conventions and guidelines as per the bro code amendments of  1500 B.C. Now the cause of this built up tear down was simple ,she thought he spent too much time with the guys . Yup I know what your thinking, there’s no such thing as too much time with the guys _unless you are in prison, then you want to spend as little time with the guys as possible.To the ladies out there who fail to understand this I shall proceed to explain.To the men I will be accepting your  thanks(read: preferably of the monetary kind) for helping your ladies understand the ‘essentiality’ of time with the boys.

3.Relaxation time.

By this i mean some time to act like the primal predator he was before he was domesticated by the female.It is at this time that he is free to fart as loud as he wants(i know a guys who spontaneously combusted because he wouldn’t fart in front oh his girl, suffice to say it was a very awkward funeral).It is also at this time that the male gets the opportunity to NOT hold in his stomach and let his amazing one-pack breathe. DON’T BE EVIL let his beer gut free!

2.Talk time.

Am sure many of you ladies are shocked that men actually want time to talk to each other,in case you didn’t know men are delicate and they need  to vent and let their emotion run wild to fulfill their emotional selves… YEAH RIGHT!When men talk they are either making fun of someone’s small pecker or lack thereof. Men are not all superficial either we also talk about boobies, butts and the effects of Shakespeare on modern literature!:)

1.Beer time.

No it doesn’t count if you want to drink with him, everybody knows beer tastes better when drank with your fellow males. Studies by the awesomeness foundation have found that 97% of females ruin the beer drinking experience with their talking,talking and more talking.So ladies its up to you do you want to blindly follow the 97% like sheep or do you want to be part of the unique 3%.BE UNIQUE let him drink with the boys!

MAN POINTS FINALLY EXPLAINED!

For all you males out there am sure you know what I mean by man points, if you don’t you just lost -15 man points. Some of us have spent our lives struggling with man points, while there are those like Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris who have enough man points to give rise to a new breed of humans after the zombie apocalypse(trust me zombies are bound to attack us eventually)

Below is a layout of how I think the man points system works. I refuse to let you in on how I came by this highly guarded system…because I’m a man.  +5 man point for me, YAY!...-5 man points for saying yay!:[…again -5 for using a sad face!

1.Texting a girl+0:-SHE is actually a real girl and not just in your sad imagination .+2  :You’re texting her about feelings -5 :You’re using more emoticons than a twelve year old girl at a Bieber concert -10 :Your text has one of the following;boobies, butt, sweet loving! +15

2.Taking a piss+2: Using the toilet-2(because real man piss wherever they are!)  :Pissing everywhere else except inside the toilet bowl +5 onwards(the further from the toilet bowl the more the points)  PS:I know a guy who got 100 man pt.s from this!!

3.Phone browser history is always empty +5(evil smile)

4.Taking a girl out on a date+2:-It’s at an expensive restaurant +5 :You don’t even get laid in the end -15 :Not even a hand/blowjob..tsk!tsk!! -20

5.Listening to a music album+2: -It was illegally downloaded+5 :It’s not the first time you’ve done this+7 :You give a copy of it to everyone just for the sake of it+10 :It’s a Justin Bieber album-100000000000000000000000….(it’s time for that sex change you’ve been thinking about!)

6.Chilling with friends+5:-You are all making fan and hysterically laughing at one of your other friends+10 :He’s not there with you -50(go gossip with the other ladies at the hairdressers!) :All of you are SOBER -60 (friends time is get wasted time!)

7.Wearing boxers -5 : Wearing briefs/underwear -10(real men take risks, real men go COMMANDO!!)

8. Buying condoms +5 :it’s a 12 pack +10 : it’s ONLY for the weekend +15.

9.Volunteering to fix broken appliances in the house +5 : Remembering you have no clue how to fix anything +7 :You let the women in the house aware that you can’t fix it -35.

10. Trying to be an actor -15  : …a PORN actor +40.

boob or butt kinda guy!

This is a question that has racked the brains of the female species ever since Adam first asked Eve on a date.Women generals and maids alike have found themselves asking this question time and time again. It has bothered women since time in memorial and so I, being the man that I am have finally decided to divulge the secrets with regards to this question(hopefully my man card will not be revoked for this). The question itself is as simple as it is complicated…IS HE A BOOB OR BUTT GUY?

Boob guys:

There are certain things boob guys do that to the trained eye(read:bored guy, really bored guy) are quite obvious. If you are a boob guy then am sure you do some of the following:

No eye contact: All ladies with boobs ,no matter the size, know that one guy who thinks her eyes are somehow found on her chest.This is the easiest sign to spot in a boob guy, because unlike other guys who stare at least twice every minute the boob guy is skilled in maintaining boob -eye contact for as long as he doesn’t creep the boobs holder out(he is also able to know  when she begins to get creeped out – like I said skilled)

Hand  gestures: This means that every time he talks to you he uses hand gestures that make him look like he is feeling the air for lumps(we all know he’s no doctor) .

really old boob guys!

Butt guy:

Similar to boob guys , butt guys also have their own strange unique habits that distinguish them from the riff raff (what i think butt guys call boob guys)

Ghosting: Most of you ladies think that this is romantic..tsk, tsk, tsk, how naive you are. The only reason a man would want to hug you from behind is so that he can rest his junk against your ‘derrrier’. Sorry to bust your bubble but those soap operas and Katherine Heigl movies you watched clearly lied to you.(damn you Katherine Heigl)

that awesome moment when I rest my genitals on her ass

If he thinks your ass looks fat in that: The only reason a man would answer yes to the age old question,’does this make my bum look big’, is because he wants her to keep changing into different pants so he can have as much time to look at her ass. Quite ingenious if i say so myself. The clever things men do to look at that ass.

 

clearly a butt man!

it’s not you its me!!!

We’ve all heard this line at least once in our lives whether directly or indirectly(read gossip – cause you interrnet freaks like to gossip), anyway most of the time when somebody tells you this when they are breaking up with you, 90% of the time they are lying(am sure your ego just died a liitle after that statement). This simply means that it definitely, irrevocably was you and your stupid habits, and between me and you they are quite a number! Here are some of the things you did that made your lover(now that surprisingly sounds very dirty) ….so your sexual partner(well that sounds even worse)….so your soulmate(way too deep)…your friend of  the opposite sex(mostly) with whom you fornicate(now that sounds about right) leave you for that model or that gym weirdo who thinks steroids are the new black:

4.Y U  NO look smashing;

This applies to those people who think that just because they’re in a relationship they have the right to dress like a homeless person with the fashion sense of a two year old bonobo monkey(cause they’re ugly as hell). Just cause I said you look good in anything doesn’t mean you should wear anything.This doesn’t   mean you get to overdo it because..

3. Y U dress like a slut:

Look am already in a relationship with you, so you can stop trying to impress me because you’re starting to look like a really cheap   slut – and not in the good lady gaga kind of way either. You are sexy and I  Know it no need in letting the entire boys rugby team know it too!!!

2. Y U NO spend time alone:

I get it, I get it, you really love me now can you take a few steps back so i can have enough privacy to scratch my balls in peace.This applies to all of you who are fluent in KLIGNON…Stop being so clingy. As  a person I don’t think it’s healthy to have someone to hold my junk while I piss(i must admit it does sound tempting but some of lifes pleasure should be for me and me alone).

1. Y U WANT BE MY MOM::

Taking care of me is one thing , however when you start calling me for dinner and reminding me to wash my hands with MR. Soap, it starts to get somewhat disturbing.Yes I can eat on my own, NO i don’t need you to pretend that my spoon is the choo-choo train. Frankly if you are this kind of person it is without a shadow of a doubt entirely, wholly and emphatically your fault that you are breaking up with your…(still can’t find an appropriate word!!

 

PS: i am a single psycopath with sarcastic tendencies and should therefore be taken very seriously!!

 

He’s just not that into you!

Here’s a topic no woman likes to confront.The doubt that it brings to mind means that many ignore it even though they know that he is just not that into them.It’s said that any woman can get any man she likes becuase, like dogs, men are creatures of instinct.So it should be pretty simple to have that guy eating from the palm of your hand, why then is he busy chasing every other skirt wearing homonid.The answer is as simple as it is obvious …He’s just not into you; He’s just not feeling you; He doesn’t like you like that; am trying to politely point out that your just his stay at home booty call! So the question now is, how do you know if he’s just not that into you?

3.The surname ‘amnesia’

If he insists on calling you sweetie/babe/honey etc. even when he’s with his friends(His beer drinking, crude, Commitment-phobic, prositute-knowing friends) then the truth is he just doesn’t know your name -hint# booty call#.If he calls you by your first name, your lucky but not out of the woods yet . This just means he doesn’t know your surname and therefore you are simply put another one of his conquests. ‘That forgetful’ fool is just not that into you.

2.The name calling.

If he consantly refers to you as b*#%ch or Wh#*e, he’s not trying to be sexy; he’s not trying to be ‘gangsta’ like the black rappers. And if your friends think that’s sexy then you probably are a b*#%ch, and they are too scared to tell you. When we men really like a girl we try to be as polite as possible forget our’ street cred’ and all. So if your man refers to you by this name and you like it then you must be stupid or have some daddy issues, either of which you are screwed. He is so obviously not feeling you!

1.The that’s so gay complex.

If you are a girl and you point out how cute those shoes are, watch out for his reaction. If he looks at you awkwardly and says “That’s so gay!” You are probably number one in his friend’s zone(don’t look so surprised men also have friend zones – except ours only has the girls that we would like to bang and go – no feelings whatsoever), Which means he considers you one of the boys and would buy you a beer – for a whole month –  before he calls you his girlfriend. Now you are sure he’ not that into you!

put a ring on it!!!

First of all,am sure you all noticed the three exclamation marks in the topic-now you know how serious I am.Anyway onto the matter at hand,’The Put a Ring on it Problem’.Many of you ladies complain about how ‘your man ‘ is taking to long to pop the question.Well here is some rock solid advice for you,You make the first mive and pro..pro-pose to him(Gosh that felt so awkward).However, we all know you just don’t wake up one morning and decide to pop the question.It takes some meticulous investigations(read:finding out if the bastard is cheating) and some stupidity of course to propose to anyone.I ,therefore, in all my wisdom and knowlegde have decided to make it easier for all you women out there.Here, I feel are some ways to know whether to propose to him or throw him to the curb like some weird hobo

3.Holding your hand in public:

       This only applies to some women.To know if this applies to you look into a mirror, if your first reaction is a cringe,then i believe you fit squarely in this category.Men are superficial creatures,meaning they would rather her big boobs than your nice personality.Harsh but true!This therefore means that if ‘your man’ holds your hand in public and you have…how can i put this…A Nice Personality,then he really loves you or atleast strongly thinks he does.So don’t be a tool,put a ring on that fool!

2.exercising with you:

     Beer and football with the guys or running around the neighbourhood with your girlfriend,your very in shape girlfriend.For most men this is not even a choice…beer and football wins every time,unless your girlfriend is fat then you go along for a good laugh.So if that fool agrees to go out jogging with you it’s either one of two things(a)there’s on football and no beer money ;or(b)he truly loves you(POOR fool-making sad face).There’s only one thing to do,put a ring on that poor fellow!

1.The video game pause:

        This is the ultimate form of love for any human of the male species.To pause a video game to speak to a woman is considered sacrilege amongst us men.If ‘your man’ pauses a game never leave him.If that game was FIFA 12 first sit down with him and make a blowjob timetable iIMMEDIATELY(working every other thing around blowjob time).Then ,do I even need to say this,PUT A RING ON THAT LUCKY BASTARD!